>_<

I don’t know anything.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I doing this to you? I love you. I’m sure of it. But why is it not enough? Why am I looking for something else? Why am I looking for someone else?

You gave me everything you can give me. Yet I threw it all away. Am I that heartless? Am I this cruel?

Maybe.

I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be loved. Lord, if You’re reading this, I asked for a sign and you gave me one. Is that what You really want me to do? And if this is what You really want, why am I in pain?

It is sad when everyone thinks that you’re the villain. I feel so alone. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

If this is what is best for me why are these tears running down my cheeks?

Who should I love? And by the way, what is love? Is it really true that you’ll know love when it comes? Why am I not sure then? Is it also true that you should have only a single place in your heart for love? If it is so, then love must be selfish. But you said, Lord, that love is unselfish. I am so confused. What must I do? Tell me. Tell me please. Tell me. Tell me.

I tried my best not to hurt anyone anymore. But I failed. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am a nice person. I am a good person. But why do I keep doing this? Did You make me this way?

The truth is I want to kill myself. I want to die. I want the easy way out. If I could turn back the hands of time maybe I’ll just keep mum and stay with the status quo and not make my life complicated and lonely as it is now. But maybe I’ll just do the same thing. Maybe I’m really sadomasochistic. Do I like to hurt people? Do I like to hurt myself?

So many questions running around my mind.
So many…